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Not clear on

Not clear on

  'Unwrap Me' Bridal Bow.  Image/asos.com

'Unwrap Me' Bridal Bow. Image/asos.com

What the fuck is this?:

I actually think 'What the fuck is this?' is a great name for a series of posts but it's also very aggressive and kind of offensive maybe? 

Speaking of aggressive, I have to come clean on something. I actually started a Tumblr a long time ago called 'Not Clear On', with the intent of posting up screenshots of excerpts of poorly written blog posts, but then I felt kind of bad about it all, not really because the bloggers' feelings might get hurt, but mostly because it's super passive aggressive and I might get found out, and people might think I was being mean, which I would've been being, but you know, I digress.

So, what the fuck IS this? A BRIDAL BOW? What the frick is a bridal bow? The phrase is completely new to me so I'm just assuming it's new to everyone but maybe it's not? Maybe it's an actual real thing?

Lani is married, so maybe she has insight into this. I have never been married or engaged so I cannot tell you if this is in any way normal. So many thoughts pop into my mind, but mostly:

  1. Does it get wedged into your vagina?
  2. I can't even begin with the whole 'unwrap your present - that being your wife' idea. Get fucked. 
  3. Should a 100% polyester oversized ribbon really cost $34? 
  4. Do people really buy these things? I mean, if ASOS is willing to stock it, they surely do?

We don't actually have comments activated on this site so I don't know how anyone can let me know what they think about this bridal bow. It's kind of like I'm screaming into an empty room, but hey, maybe someone out there can enlighten me via email or something. 

- Katherine

 

 

OK. It's true, I am married. But I'm sorry to say I have no first hand experience of a Bridal Bow. What does this say about my marriage? Have I been doing it wrong this whole time? Have I been depriving Dave of the great visual pleasure of me tied up in a bridal bow? 

I feel like you could DIY this thing pretty easily ay. Like, just loop a big sash up under you and then tie a bow over your boobs. You reckon the staff at Spotlight get asked to help measure this out for customers often? "Um yeah, so what I need is like, a sash wide enough to cover my vagina and um, long enough to loop up and over and um, tie across my chest right here." "So, you want a bridal bow, yeah? Why didn't you just say?"

This does seem like the kind of thing you buy for your mate on her hen's night as a joke, and everyone will be like, LOL - and then it goes in the bin. But look, I don't want to Bridal Bow shame anyone and truth be told, I kind of wish I had one in front of me to just give it a lil try on. I'm curious. I wonder if they make them in their Tall range.

As for your wedge question, I don't believe the purpose of this polyester contraption is for it to be worn for any longer than say, five minutes. So, I think your vag would be freed up of any possible wedgies fairly quickly should that occur. 

Also, I love that the care instructions are 'Hand Wash Only'. It's important to take care of your Bridal Bow guys. You may only intend to get married just the once, but the Bridal Bow is meant to be enjoyed multiple times. Make sure you sunlight soap that shit up.

- Lani

Highs and Low(e)s.

Highs and Low(e)s.

Highs and Low(e)s

Highs and Low(e)s